It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
It's never too late to be topless.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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