and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
