I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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