i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
How's work?
Spinning.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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