yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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