She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
