I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
