I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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