ya dads aren't the best wingmen
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
