fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
