if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I just forgot I was standing up.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
