this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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