I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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