My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
