i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
