i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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