how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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