So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
it glows. i had to have it.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
you had me at cake vodka
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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