I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
