I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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