Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Randomize
