Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
