Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I just want to make out with him forever
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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