what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
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