I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
