here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
