My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
