i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
