im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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