I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
