so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
