Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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