Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
