Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize