the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
that's an acceptable place to lick
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize