I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
