I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
