Where are you?
In a non slutty way
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I fill condoms, not promises.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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