I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
