Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
