I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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