Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
