My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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