She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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