Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
