just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
