My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
