The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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