Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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