News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
