How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
