Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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