I met the friendliest cop last night
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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