so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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