I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
