Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize