Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
