i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
